great things to tell.

I’m awfully sorry that I didn’t check in these past weeks, but I had a lot of things that stressed me out and put me under pressure.

Not the genetic matter, my family is as tough as myself I guess, so no one is actually concerned with this problem. My sister told me that most of the people that die due to a genetic failure weren’t aware of it and that she probably won’t share their fate cause she’ll be aware of it and pay attention to her body. Nice attitude. I have a pretty amusingly pragmatic family. :)

I wanted to share newer experiences with you, cause although it was a really hard time for me, I actually did it! I had to give a lecture to my fellow students, it was supposed to take the whole lesson ( one and a half hours…) including some groupwork. Sounds easy? Not for me.

Problem was and is that there’s only one thing that might really get me upset and stresses me out : talking in front of other people. Neither do I like meeting new faces nor do I know how to handle the situation when being forced to talk in front of the crowd. And stress always inflicts physical responds, like loss of sleep and breathing problems and everything related to fear that might come up. And due to the bowel problems that stayed after the removement of the stoma I was also relaay, really, really afraid of standing in front of my fellows and soiling my pants or something like that…
And of course I was extremely afraid of not being able to go to the lesson for starters, but instead sitting on my toilet for the whole day and cry or whatever…

But : didn’t happen. Not at the time where I needed to be there. I had a hard time the two days before the actual event, where I couldn’t sleep and had to run to the toilet all day, one of those two was actually a -not able to go out because of it-day, so I’m f****** relieved that I made it through and that it’s over for this term. And I’m a bit depressed at the same time, cause I took double of the meds I normally take for three days in a row and nevertheless did it go pretty bad. I mean, it could have been worse, if I couldn’t have been able to take the meds or something like that, but it shows that nothing’s got better, not for real.

That’s kind of sad. And it means that I’ll probably have to cancel a seminar of mine cause it’s supposed to take place on three days in a row from morning to evening and I won’t make it. Sucks, actually, I’ll try it anyways and talk to my docent, but at start of this semester I still had hope that all might get better and that’s the reason for me signing in. 4 months and no real improvement lessens the chance of recovery and that makes me really sad.

Not in a depressed way cause , I know everything could be better and stuff, but considering the fact that I’m a bad-luck-person ( The f*** up post office lost a package of mine. Including a birthday present for my sister. AGAIN. Third time it is.) it would have been nice to at least get a little force and more possibilities and something of the life I had back.
I’d love to be able to do sports. Or go to wherever I want without being afraid or stressed out. It’s better due to my medication, but you might imagine how bad I wanted to merely get a beer after the presentation yesterday. And I couldn’t ‘cause alcohol and especially things with carbonic acid are very bad and not tolerated. That was kind of the worst part, cause it was what I’d normally do after something big like that.

But. For today : I did it and I’m happy and my docent loved it. Ha! :)

Have a great day all of you, I hope you’ll experience positive and constructive things like mine. Even if it’s just a small thing it might improve everything for the day or the week.
Hugs, Maike

Good for you, Moeki! What a huge undertaking and how courageous of you. It is a sad state that you weren’t able to celebrate the accomplishment with a beer but I love that you aren’t letting that detract from the victory.

Posted on May 11, 2012 at 7:01:06 AM by Private User